Common Sense:
A Modest Proposal

Are you pro-life or pro-choice? Are you for or against assisted suicide? What came first- the chicken or the egg? People from all walks of life have been pondering these controversial issues for many years. Heated debate over these- and other- topics has resulted in hostility, violence, and distance between two opposing sides. Society has often experienced the repercussions of such controversy. Whether it is rowdy protests or abortion clinic bombings, we have seen, again and again, that those who argue must be restrained. And, through many years of research, I have discovered the ideal way to end these debates, stop the violence, and reduce overpopulation, all while inflating my ego.

The solution to all these problems would be to make myself, Nancy Sun, Head of All Common Sense. The government could restrict everyone's freedom of speech and deem me spokesperson for everyone's rational thought. I am the perfect candidate for this role because I, as my many colleagues know, am the epitome of common sense. I never run with scissors, swim after eating, or sit too close to the television. I know to look both ways before crossing the street and wash my hands before eating. All my teachers can readily agree that I am always alert and attentive in class and never oblivious to my surroundings. I would make an impeccable Head of All Common Sense*.

If and when I am granted this honor, freedom of speech will automatically be restricted so that American citizens will not be permitted to debate controversial issues. Any questions that could potentially end in argument should be sent to me via a Suggestion Box- as everyone knows that everything that goes into a Suggestion Box would always be read. After reading and thoroughly thinking out all aspects of an issue, I will publicly announce which side I have taken with my reasons for saying so. After my speech, all US citizens will be forced to agree with my decision and abide by what I say. If they should rebel, disagree, or oppose my ruling, they will be placed in a burlap sack and beat soundly with a stick.

Everyone benefits from this method of problem solving. By giving me such an important position, I will make sure that such problems as violence and overpopulation will be solved logically, swiftly, and immediately. I will end cheesy pick-up lines, help the environment, end jury duty, and much, much more. I will help the environment because newspapers all over America will no longer have to print editorial sections; I will have already spoken for the general public. I will abolish jury duty because I act as the jury- and whatever I say in regard to the defendant's innocence will be considered universally right and true.

In order to prove that I am a competent role model and Head of All Common Sense, I have already answered some controversial questions in advance- and after reading this, you will wonder why you did not think this way in the first place. Here are some examples of my solutions thus far:

-What came first- the chicken or the egg?
The egg. In this question, it never specifies what type of egg it is. And as we all know, dinosaurs- and their eggs- were around long before chickens.

-How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood?
Hypothetically speaking, a woodchuck could chuck up to thirty-seven pounds of wood a year.

-What's your sign?
Stop.

-Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?
Because people always go over the speed limit.

-Knock, knock. Who's there?
Death. Death is always knocking on your door.

-Why did the chicken cross the road?
In order to get an abortion. Speaking of abortions . . ..

-Are you for or against abortion?
I am for abortion- pro- choice all the way. Yes, I have heard all the arguments before- 'But what if you kill the person who knows the future cure for cancer, the cure for AIDS?' But let's think about this quote shall we? If we all lived our lives following this quote, that would be like telling a woman to sleep with every man she sees. Why? Because by ovulating and not getting pregnant, a woman is destroying half of a life, a half of a life that could potentially cure cancer or AIDS. Every time you menstruate, you are killing someone who might help society in the future. Therefore, impregnate yourself, have a child, slave over him, and hope that he does something useful in his lifetime. After all, that's what we all want, right? Pro-lifers need to realize that these statements encourage sex and oppose a woman's natural monthly cycle. If pro- lifers should continue their irrational protests, they will be forced to live in an obscure area in America and undertake as many adopted children as possible. This way, they can actually do something for society, instead of just talking about it.

-What is your position on assisted suicide?
I am for assisted suicide. If people are going to kill themselves, they might as well do it right. Why is society opposed to killing those with terminal illnesses? We regularly put our pets to sleep in order to alleviate their suffering. Why do we refuse our fellow human beings the same sympathy and support? Statistics show that nine out of ten suicides are unsuccessful. We could easily increase the success rate if we had some more Dr. Kevorkians. Why should those who want to die run the risk of failure? (That would be depressing, wouldn't it? Killing yourself because you can't do anything right and then figuring out that you don't know how to commit suicide correctly?) Assisted suicide would help reduce the overpopulation of America, help those who want to die, and allow families to collect life insurance earlier. After all, too many of the elderly are left unattended by their family in old retirement homes today. The number of those elderly could be drastically reduced if they had died during a traumatic turning point in their lives, or were assisted after realizing their eventual demise.

-What is the meaning of life?
Er, I'm not gonna touch that one with a forty foot pole.

As you can see, I already have justified why I should be deemed the Head of All Common Sense. By becoming such a highly esteemed role model, I will be able to help society by ending its never ending controversies and the problems that accompany them. As a leader in rational thought and obvious thinking, I will be able to provide solutions to all the problems that lay ahead. My position will reduce most of the stress that people are afflicted with, as I will have already advised them on how to think. Because I cannot do this alone, I will employ many people to work under me in several different departments (public relations, research, etc.). So, in essence, the creation of my job could actually provide a solution to the ever increasing unemployment rate we deal with today. Making Nancy Sun Head of All Common Sense provides benefits for all of us by solving life's mysteries.

*side note:
If, for some reason, my being Head of All Common Sense should offend some people, I am willing to change my authoritative title to The Sun King. Remember- I am the State!